My South … In Your Mouth

As you probably ascertained from my last post – that one where I made fun of Portland’s obsession with being cuter than Ryan Gosling (nothing is cuter than The Gosling, Portland. Not even your pickled, flanneled, free-range beets) – I’m now back home in NYC. The last time I was “home” in Alabama, my father looked at me with a very serious, very stern face and said “Just make sure you know what your real home is, kid.”

And yes, Dad. I do. It’s always been the South and will always be the South. Given that it’s super chilly here and I’m a little homesick for my mom’s kitchen and all her kitschy, 1980s Halloween decorations, I decided to cook my favorite Southern meal tonight. I invited a few people over, and while I wait on this pork to marinate, I figured I’d share my recipes for what I cook best. That would be: Pork tenderloin, Collard Greens and Grits. The South is in my heart. It’s where my true home is. However, no one has invented the magic transport box yet. So when I’m really missing it, I just shove Southern food in my face instead.

Pork Tenderloin!

Ok, let’s start with the meat. I bought this gorgeous hunk of pig from Dickson’s Farm Stand in Chelsea Market.

Meat Marinate: Combine 1 cup of bourbon (or rum if your out of bourbon cause you drank it all. Ahem), 2 to 3 cloves of garlic (finely chopped), 2 Tablespoons Dijon Mustard, 1 Tablespoon brown sugar, a half cup fresh chopped rosemary, 2 Tablespoons Apple Cider Vinegar, heavy dash of cumin, heavy dash of dried thyme, half a cup of soy sauce and a half a cup of warm water. Whisk it all together, shove the pig in the juice, throw on some Saran Wrap and stick that sucker in a fridge for 2 hours or longer, depending on when your peeps is comin’ over. (You can also use this marinate on Salmon)

Cookin’ It: Take the tenderloin out, set it on the counter and let it warm up a bit, almost to room temperature. Heat a grill pan to real damn hot (if you spit on it and your spit sizzles, you are good. Don’t do that in front of your mom. She’ll freak out). Drop the meat on the grill pan to sear it. Count to 67 (using the official “One Mississippi” count) then flip it and sear the other side for the same amount of time. Stick the grill pan in the oven (which you pre-heated to 365) and cook it for 15 minutes. Flip the tenderloin again, ladle some marinate on it to keep it moist and cook for about another 10 minutes. Take it out and let it rest for 10 minutes before slicing it. Your times may vary based on the size of the meat, but you don’t need a meat thermometer. Thermometer’s are for nerds. Just cook it till it looks/tastes right.

Grits!

Grits are a pain in the ass to make. You can’t buy instant (because life is too short for Instant Grits and beige pants) and you can’t leave them unattended. Even for a second. Grits will pop out of the pan and land on your oven and then somehow magically harden quicker than Tiger Woods’ (ok … i’m not gonna make that joke cause my mom reads this blog) and then you cannot get them off the stove top without industrial cleaner, an axe, four housekeepers and a Bible. So … just make grits when you can stare at them and not blink and not move for about 45 minutes. Oh, and maybe put on some Indian chanting music or something … cause you are gonna have to meditate to not want to bash your own eyeballs in with your wooden spoon.

To Cook Grits (are you sure you want to do this?): The ratio is always 4:1. So one cup of quality grits (I like McEwen & Sons stone ground personally) will need four cups of liquid. Now, some people use chicken stock. Some people use water. All those people are WRONG. You use whole milk. Listen to me. I’m from Alabama. I know what’s up. Don’t argue. Just use whole milk. If you only have skim, that’s fine too. Or, if you want to throw some whole cream in, sure. It’s just got to be all milk to get those creamy, awesome dinner grits you find with shrimp on them in restaurants. Ok, heat 4 cups of  milk on the stove till it’s boiling. Add dry grits, reduce to a low simmer and immediately begin stirring. Keep stirring them every few seconds for the next 35 minutes. Don’t blink. Don’t answer that text message. The grits WILL get out and parade around your house. When done, the grits should be fluffy and coat a spoon to the point where you can turn that spoon upside down and the clump of grits will not fall back in the pan. You will probably have to add more milk during the 35 minutes of the meditational, please-don’t-pop-out-of-the-stupid-pan Hell that it takes to cook them. If they start to thicken too fast, don’t panic, and add small doses of milk. Ok, and you should also eat a valium or smoke some pot. You’ll need it. Once they are done – throw some cheese or bacon bits or jalapeño slices in there. Fling some hot sauce at them. Grits love hot sauce. Salt & Pepper to taste.

Collard Greens!

I think the best compliment I ever got from one of my parents was when my mother said she loved my collard greens. She notoriously hates collard greens. So, she was either lying or telling the truth. Either way, I felt validated. Collards are great for you and are super cheap. They are packed with Vitamins K, A and C. They lower your cholesterol. They prevent cancer. They are the Ryan Goslings of the veggie kingdom.

To prepare: Wash the collards and then slice the thick center stem out:

Discard the stems and chop up the leaves into thick julienned slices. Pieces should be roughly the size of your iPhone. Set aside.

Cook two pieces of quality bacon in a large deep skillet till barely done but not crispy. Take the bacon out of the pan and chop it into a thick dice. Leave the bacon grease in the pan (huff the porky air for a moment. This is why you cook, after all) and then add half a cup of sliced red onions and two cloves of garlic, finely diced. Sauté the onions and garlic on low heat in the bacon grease till translucent. Add 1 Tablespoon of brown sugar, a Tablespoon of Apple Cider Vinegar, a large pinch of salt, that chopped up bacon, 1 cup of low sodium chicken broth and 1 cup of dry white wine. Turn up the heat till it’s simmering (pour a glass of wine for yourself and stare at the grits that got on your stove anyways) and add the collards. Stir them down with a wooden spoon (cause wooden spoons are classy) and keep stirring them every few minutes for the next 45 minutes to an hour. Collards are bitter if you don’t cook them long enough. The best route is to cook them mid afternoon. Then you put them in a bowl with their remaining liquid and shove them in your fridge. Take them out and re-heat when your guests arrive. Collards are the best leftovers in the world because they kinda slow braise in that juice overnight.

Well, that’s it for now. No magic transport box. And UPS won’t mail me home. But this meal is a proven solution when I have mild homesickness. I’m gonna stop typing now, put some Bluegrass on the stereo and go start grit fiasco #476 (while singing loudly and wearing part of my halloween costume – cause it’s my apartment and my roommate is out of town.)

Happy Weekend everyone!!