As a magazine writer, it’s an annual, in-box thing. Public Relations companies send us “gift guide ideas,” featuring whatever products their clients are hawking.

Some are quite good. Listen, if someone gave me Middleton Knives for Christmas, I would be ecstatic.

There is the comedic gold, however, that also arrives to my inbox, insisting I suggest it out to the rest of you.

Here are a few that have been sent to me this, this November, for coverage.

A $900 Magazine Table. You know … for your magazines.

A $500 bidet. What exact type of message is this meant to send to your significant other? People need to buy their own bidets, okay? This is not a giftable item.

And … I kid you not …

A prostate massager. Glamour Magazine actually took the bait and featured this one. I’m certainly not kink-shaming here. But, let’s be sure … in all the holiday chaos … that this gift does not end up mislabeled or misplaced. Accidentally gifting this to your uncle might be the greatest story ever, though.

There is another end of the spectrum from those aforementioned weird gift ideas, too. You know … socks. A Sweater. The Starbucks gift card. Re-gifted, gas station, sparkling wine. None of this warrents excitement.

If you’re looking for some fun gift ideas still … here’s what I’m considering this season.

FOR STOCKING STUFFERS

PET BUBBLES

I discovered (and purchased) this brand in a shop last week in Christchurch, New Zealand, since I’m over here visiting the husband’s family. I choose beef flavored for Spookie Lou, and in a cursory search back stateside, realized maybe this particular type is hard to find in America. Not to worry! Amazon stocks various bacon flavored labels, as well. I think these are perfect for pet owners, but also an excellent stocking stuff for photographers. I plan to set up a session when I’m back stateside, capturing the dog and cat, mid-leap for savory soap.

BRICKELL SHOWER PRODUCTS

Brickell says it sells ‘men’s body products.’ However, the mint and tropical teakwood scents have me quite hooked. And, last time I checked mid-shower, I’m a lady person! Who cares, just get some. This soap is absolutely wonderful and the packaging is also beautiful sink-side. Right now, there is a Black Friday promotion, with the code Black30 for the next few days.

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FOR THE FOODIES

BELLA CUCINA LEMON ARTICHOKE DIP

I recently discovered this stuff, at Hazelnut on Magazine Street. I was having a few people over and needed something for a quick cheeseboard. Holy shit. Now, I’m obsessed. It’s so outrageously good, with huge shreds of artichoke, punchy bright lemon and herbs, a tiny touch of garlic and easily spreadable. It now goes on everything in our house from Triscuits to bell peppers, swirled into pasta or across the Sourdough of my turkey sandwich. If you’re in New Orleans, go support Hazelnut, too. Adorable shop.

BELLA ITALIA BOXED PASTA

I like gifting these gorgeous boxes of risotto and pasta, because it serves two functions. The packaging, featuring vintage Carnivale imagery, is high-art. And, it’s a gift everyone will use at some juncture. Your gift ends up that nice fix on a cold winter night, when one opens the pantry looking for a fast, nourishing meal. The pasta is quality, cooks rapidly and retains that wonderful, al dente bite that can be lost in sub-par, boxed pasta. They also sell risotto and various other sundries. You don’t even need to wrap these. Slap a bow on, and you’re done.

THE ISTANBUL & BEYOND COOKBOOK

Have you followed What’s Gaby Cooking yet? She’s a bright star in a world of ultra-annoying food bloggers; a former private chef, whose recipes trend towards easy evening meals you’d actually make. On an episode recently, she mentioned her favorite cookbook is called Istanbul & Beyond. I went out to buy it. Only, Octavia Books didn’t have it, and then, couldn’t even order it. I found a gently used copy online. Then, I sat down and read it nearly cover-to-cover. That evening, I made the Turkish kofte kebabs in our new kitchen. They were outstanding! Definitely a repeat recipe. The book is written by a couple who fell in love with Turkey twenty years ago, and began traveling, long before cell phones and food blogs, meeting villagers in remote corners, scratching down family recipes. If you’ve got a friend who loves cooking and travel, this is an excellent choice.

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FOR THOSE TRAVEL NERDS

BURLAP & BARREL SPICES

If you don’t already know Burlap & Barrel … and you cook frequently … you need this in your life. Spices in American grocery stores suck. They suck. That Cacio Pepe you had in Rome is made with high-quality, Kampot peppercorns, sourced in Cambodia and ground fresh at your table. The Butter Chicken at the Taj Mahal restaurant in Metairie (seriously, do go here), begins with a Garam Masala blend made fresh daily. Spices are living things. They have a shelf life once pulverized. They are also sourced in some of the worst conditions, exported at extreme prices and can reek havoc on natural lands when farmed. At Burlap & Barrel, they sell single origin, offering transparency in the supply chain, plus limiting the time between the dirt and your pantry. They also have fun collaborations for unique gift sets. I’m digging this Bon Appetit Sprinkle, but my personal favorite is the Tomato Powder. It’s ground up sun-dried tomatoes and it’s amazing on nearly everything, from breakfast eggs to fresh burrata.

MATADOR’S FLY FREE DUFFLE

It’s waterproof. It’s a duffle or a backpack. It packs entirely flat. Or, into a stuff-pouch the size of a Smartphone. Impossible to rip or tear. Reinforced handles. Cool pockets, both obvious and hidden. Great for a weekend away or two weeks in Greece, where you bought too much and your laundry smells of sweat and the sea. This thing isn’t cheap at $85, but it’s been a must-pack item in my house for nearly a decade. Still looks sharp. It goes on every trip with me, packed flat in the bottom of my suitcase until I need it. And, there’s nothing better than arriving home and having all your dirty clothes in one bag, to just hurl into the machine.

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HOME / HIGH DESIGN LOVERS

ART + A FRAMING GIFT CARD

I think gifting art is really sweet. Everyone has some blank wall space, but it’s even better when you combine it with a gift card to get it framed properly. As someone who works in the photography game, I feel strongly that the frame often makes the piece. I love Bywater Framing for all your needs in New Orleans and Bywater Fine Art Printing, should you want to blow up a print. As for a great suggestion on a cool piece of art … my latest love is Rebecca Aldernet out of Canada. She works in oils, acrylic and collage, favoring surrealist style scenes dominated by grand birds.

FFERRONE GLASSWARE

The sets are not cheap, rolling in around $200 for a pair of glasses, but man do they pack a design punch on a table or displayed atop a bar. Felicia Fferrone was an architect in Milan, and she’s worked with Macallan and with Audi on projects in design. Her glassware is unlike anything else I’ve seen, combining deeply etched lines, dynamic visuals and stunning striations, be it a coup or a tall water glass.

BITOSSI HOME SERVEWARE

Fun and festive, with pops of color, throwback stylings and a slight comic book appeal, these cups, mugs, platters and plates are well priced at $40 for a dinner plate and $75 for huge platters. It’s a real menagerie of style and color that all works together on a table; youthful yet timeless.

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FOR THE LOVELY LITTLE WEIRDOS

A VINTAGE RAY GUN

Does anyone need a steel, vintage ray gun figurine? Nope. Frankly no one really needs a present. We all have too much stuff. However, look at how awesome this thing is? Get someone a ray gun. Just do it. I guarantee they will talk about it fondly and often, even if it is a bit of a head scratcher.

A MONKEY LAMP

Don’t want to get a ray gun that just sits there? I hear you. Get a monkey lamp that actually lights up! We got one from my sister-in-law, Charlotte, for our wedding, and it’s my favorite gift. It sits on our mantle in our bedroom, cheeky and hilarious, but also really cool and frankly, doing the Lord’s work, tying the whole fucking room together. If you don’t own a monkey lamp, your life is pretty basic, and you should fix that. Ours is called Cornelius. You can find them in various sizes, positions and outputs. These by Seletti are really cool.

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A SERIOUS EXPENDITURE

JEWELRY FROM PORTER LYONS

Your sister just had a 9-pound baby. Your mom beat cancer. Your best friend had the year from hell and got divorced. You are newly married, and you won the lotto. Some years, it’s the time to splash out a little. If that were the case in my life (sorry suckers, it’s not), I would look to Porter Lyons for a gorgeous piece of jewelry. I’m particularly fond of their amazing alligator series, that includes necklaces and rings in the shape of Louisiana’s favorite pet.

That’s it! Suggestion Time is over. Go back to whatever it was you were doing before this, but seriously, why don’t you own a monkey lamp?

Buy six and give them to all your friends. No one wants a sweater (or a bidet), Susan!