Brooklyn … it’s basically North Korea

I’m kind of a jerk about Brooklyn. Maybe somewhere deep down, I’m scared I won’t have the funds to live in the East Village someday. And I’ll have to admit defeat and move there … like an orphan that Manhattan cast off to a land overflowing with fake Raybans and fixed gear bikes. A place where Mumford & Sons plays non-stop, and they force you to get a faux-hawk and eat Earl Grey Whiskey. Whatever that is.

You see … I have this theory that Brooklyn’s becoming the North Korea of America.

Let’s discuss.

It’s a place where everyone is creepily forced to dress exactly alike (N. Korea), do the same socially-approved activities (N. Korea), have the same haircut (N. Korea) …. and Vice films there. North. Korea.

Why has no one else become alarmed by this? I’m very concerned. And weird, weird things are happening.

Bedford Avenue now actually smells like Mustache wax and IPA foam. And can we just address that photo above again? Why in God’s name would you make perfectly good whiskey into some sort of marshmallow … and then mix it with what is hands-down the most boring drink in the world. Earl Grey Tea? What are you … 90 and British? We liked whiskey back when it was whiskey. It’s not a cookie.

You know who wants to make all the whiskey into Earl Grey Tea? Kim Jong-un … that’s who.

Here’s another question. What’s up with every coffee shop also selling bicycles? I want an Americano. I don’t also want a slightly-used Trek. And why is everyone wearing saddle shoes and suspenders? Where are those fun yellow cars that take you places? How am I supposed to get home if you don’t have taxis? Is that why you are offering me the used Trek?

I realize that Brooklyn people get really upset when I make fun of Brooklyn. I’m from Alabama. I can empathize. Then again … I’ll also happily make fun of my redneck, ribs-and-pulpits, pies-and-fat-thighs homeland. To be fair, though … we might  be less educated … but we would never make whiskey into S’mores. Roll Tide.

I’m just having a bit of fun. Bitching about Brooklyn is one of my favorite hobbies at this point. And, in all seriousness (I was serious up there), there are a few things that I think Brooklyn does really well.

Brooklyn Street Fairs in Spring are aces. The Hot Sauce Expo last year was the best day I had in 2013. It was cold beer, BBQ sandwiches and just tons-upon-tons of hot sauces to sample. That day has yet to be topped. Plus, we rode the ferry there! Ermahgerd Ferry!

I sadly missed Hot Sauce Expo this March, but this past Saturday, a big group of us with met up at Smorgasburg – which luckily happens every weekend. If you are from out of town (or simply somehow don’t know) Smorgasburg is a big “food flea market.” It’s located right on the water, and there are dozens of food purveyors … standing in white tents, offering you tiny pickles and schmears of coconut cream cheese.

Spring food fairs are very important to me as a human, because they help me address my constant dilemma of craving something … while simultaneously always craving Thai food.

“Hey Jenny, want this extra cupcake?”

“Yes! Do you have Pork Larb too!? No? Oh. Ok. Gimme the cupcake, I guess.”

Thus, if you offer me a ceviche taco, Chicken & Waffles and spicy Thai Pork Larb … in the same location … you have my undivided attention and my happy agreement to get on the ferry.

Now that I think of it … someone should make a Fried Chicken Thai Larb Salad, and sandwich that sucker in some waffles. Whoa. Hey Brooklyn – if you create this, I’ll stop making fun of you for at least a week.

Here’s a little food run down of what we all ate and ogled at Smorgasburg this weekend. As you can see in the first image … some vegan hipster idiot put tofu in the Larb. Why? Because it’s Brooklyn. GAHHHHHH.

Anyways … Bon App’ to your eyeballs and Happy Monday, people!