Hello Kitty, Goodbye Reality: Taipei, Taiwan!

I’ve loved cartoons since I learned to walk. I would wake up at 5 am as a five-year-old (don’t worry, I learned to walk long before this) and I would plod downstairs in my footie pajamas.

Our Golden Retriever Daisy and I would curl up in front of the television and begin our Saturday morning ablutions. Gummy Bears. Duck Tales. Tolerating Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles until Captain Caveman, Garfield & Friends, Heathcliff and The Snorks came on.

Fraggle Rock and Pee-Wee’s Playhouse, although not a cartoons, topped the day-long situation like two neon-green, Maraschino cherries.

This was all before noon. Around noon, I usually went outside and tried to physically locate Pee Wee Herman’s Playhouse. I can 100% say, it was not hidden in our backyard or in that of The Gewins, who lived next door. (And … thank Jesus. There was more weird sexual innuendo in that series than most freeway, truck-stop strip bars.)

So, about six months ago, someone was discussing Taipei, Taiwan, and I kinda mentally had a meltdown. I can’t even remember who was having it, but the conversation went like this:

“Taipei? God, that whole city is a giant cartoon. They are obsessed with toys and cartoons. Obsessed. Cartoon characters are everywhere.”

I wasn’t even in this conversation, but my head whipped around hard enough to crack two vertebrae. I’m sure stuff was said after that … about museums or how the history and architecture are influenced by Japan and China … blah blah. I didn’t hear it. I was mentally plotting my return to my earliest Saturday mornings. The Chinese version … with dumplings!

Last week, Chris and I hopped a flight from Manila over to Taipei. $142 Roundtrip on Cebu Pacific. That’s the amount it takes to make my childhood dreams come true. (I hope the other passengers enjoyed listening to me sing the Gummy Bears theme song.)

I purchased a cartoon panda sticker and slapped it on my iPhone. Chris got handfuls of change and plonked … oh … let’s call it maybe $40 … into the capsule toy vending machines. They spit out plastic cat figurines and tiny toy guns that shoot tinier toy bullets. Seriously. The town is littered with vending machines that dispense $2 toys!!

Need a toy while walking to work? Here’s a lime green key chain shaped like a dinosaur. Need additional toys three blocks later to go with your bubble tea? How about a bright purple pen that has a purple laser beam on the back? I have that in my bag. A purple laserbeam pen. I’ve been torn between writing stuff and shooting people with it.

There were cartoon characters on the sides of all the ATMs and arcades hidden in malls underground. Your boring-ass tea is replaced with a pink concoction filled with enough tapioca balls to glue your back molars together. Yeah, there’s some history and stuff … but trust me, it’s really just all about feeding your inner kid.

A blinky neon announcement pointed us towards a ferris wheel our final night. We rode high above the cartoon city, and gazed down at her … shining below us in splendid, sugary, beglittered glory. And after a single rotation? We got off. We needed more toys. 

I had 72 hours in Taipei. Here’s what to do if you visit – in no particular order.

STAY IN DAAN – Daan is one of the best neighborhoods for walking/staying. We chose the Vendome East Inn. It ran about $100 per night and was not much to rave about, but not much to complain about either. This area, however, is cute as hell. There are tiny back streets littered with Japanese Izakayas, bubble tea stands, and ancient Chinese biddies forking over dumplings for a dollar.

SHOP AND EAT AT THE SHILIN MARKET – the largest and most famous night market in the city, it’s both above ground and below. Street level, the outside rows are devoted to arcade, carnival games where you can blast rainbow colored balloons with realistic-looking sub machine guns to win … you guessed it … toys. There are alleys full of stalls, proferring arcade games, electronics, and fashion, split by the occasional karaoke bar or massage parlor. Underground, six-hundred food stalls dish up everything from wok-spiced noodles to tiny, salty deep-fried crabs to ice-cold cans of beer and oyster omelets.

KILL AN HOUR AT THE HUAXI NIGHT MARKET – This smaller market is also quite famous. Known affectionately as Snake Alley, it used to be a foodie freakshow of sorts, where live cobras were slit open smirk-to-stern – prepared in a menagerie of ways for your culinary enjoyment. Now, there are two sickly looking pythons in a cage and some dude who wants you to pay $90 to be grossed out. I’d still say go for the culture, though. This region is heavily local, with families having quiet dinners at outside tables.

DRINK LOTS OF BUBBLE TEA – you would think it’s easy to find, but not necessarily. One of the most charming aspects of Taipei is, there’s no English. You’ll have to ask someone to help you out finding bubble tea and then figuring out your flavor. Daan has a famous spot. We couldn’t pronounce the name. We can’t recall the location. The tea was excellent. Whatever.

HUNT CAPSULE TOYS IN TAIPEI CITY MALL – this subterranean phenomenon is so massive, there are 28 entrances. It’s subway-tiled corridors of cheap sunglasses, blingy jewelry, food vendors and video games. Expect to get elbowed by a pasty Asian kid who probably hasn’t seen the light of day in four weeks, but who owns the high score in Mortal Combat like a boss.

DIVE IN THE W HOTEL’S POOL – during the summer, they were hosting Sunday pool parties. We got in free, but normally you pay around $80 for two lounge chairs and an afternoon/evening filled with a DJ cranking extremely loud W-Hotel music. There’s a shimmering water, finely tuned bodies and the cocktails are pretty good. You get a nice view of Taipei. It’s hot. Get wet. Worth the $80.

HAVE DINNER AT ED’S DINER – One can only eat so many dumplings. We headed to Ed’s for what was billed as hickory oak and mesquite-smoked pork ribs. We ordered a full slab and got primal. Apparently Ed’s a KCBS BBQ judge. It shows. Get There between 5pm and 8pm, because they run out of ribs nightly by 8:30. We found out about Ed’s via a great food blog on the city called Hungry in Taipei. Click for more on Ed’s mouthwatery-ness and all around good eats in the town.

SHOP AT TAIPEI 101 – This building was the tallest in the world. Well … up until 2004 when those dubious fools over in Dubai stole the title with the Burj Khalifa. Darn you, Dubai! Kidding. The building has a massive, gleaming mall with a Din Tai Fung dumpling shop in the basement and one of those sushi restaurants with the conveyor belt sushi coming around.

BE A KID AT THE MIRAMAR PARK – Head here for that aforementioned ferris wheel. It’s a gigantic green thing that stretches 230 feet off the building.

HAVE COFFEE & CAKE AT TOAST CHAT CAT CAFE – Do not skip on a cat café in this town unless you are seriously allergic. Those who are slightly allergic should just suck it up and go anyways. At the Toast Chat location in Daan, they have desserts like this.

And kittens like this.

… and this.

GET A MIDNIGHT FOOT MASSAGE – Directly across from the Vendome East Inn is fantastic spot, but really, anywhere works at midnight when your digits are tired from all the toy hunting.

SUNDAY AT SIMPLE MARKET – Sleep in on Sunday, stretch, and wander out near noon to the Simple Market, which is located near Taipei 101. Low slung concrete buildings create an inner courtyard with a Sunday-only market. Inside the buildings, you’ll find artisan crafts from leather bags to cool t-shirts and even great bagels.