Kim Kardashian broke the Internet. I broke TSA PreCheck

When you fly as much as I do, nothing really gives you pause.

I’ve heard more than one flight attendant curse like a drunken sailor on the intercom.

I once saw a human and a pigeon collide inside the terminal at JFK. (Don’t stand up too quickly when they call Sky Priority Boarding.)

But last year at Christmas was my favorite weird airport moment ever. I was in the security line when the agent – in an effort to speed things up – announced, “please remove all sweatshirts and jackets before you reach the conveyor belt.” The woman next to me quietly took off her sweatshirt … and stood there … in nothing but a pink bra. I’m pretty sure she was a comedian. Regardless, everyone started laughing and clapping and It. Was. Awesome.

So, yeah. It’s been a while since something really made me stop in an airport and scratch my head.

This weekend, however, there I was in LGA … tromping down to C28 … when I passed a small table. It was decorated in banner signs and manned the by two rather bored looking employees in polo shirts. I paused for a second to read the giant posters, and they perked.

“Are you interested in joining our TSA PreCheck program?,” one asked.

To be honest, I was not. I only fly Delta, and I get this TSA PreCheck thingy for free, on account of my ridiculous loyalty to Delta.

I stopped because I was stymied by a random thought. Are we making money off terrorism? And in a rather roundabout way? Terrorism creates a need for increased security. That creates a longer line. So, are we now using this longer line to create profit by adding a shorter line and asking people to pay for it?

Then was this a little, tiny, Terrorism Pop-Up shop? Were these khaki-clad employees essentially blood pirates?

Ok, ok … maybe “blood pirate” is going a bit far.

But I wanted to investigate further. So, I lied.

“Yes I am so very interested in joining!” I said. “Please tell me all about it.”

The nice lady said I could give her $85. She would Xerox my passport, send it to the FBI or something, and they would then all agree that I’m not a terrorist.

“If you pay it, you’re TSA PreChecked for 5 years, but only for domestic flights,” she said.

Apparently – via what I’m sure is intense Beta testing – no one has ever become a horrible person within a half decade. It. Just. Doesn’t. Happen.

As long as I am not an axe murderer, frequent freaker-outer on flights or … well … an actual terrorist, they estimate I should have my own security line.

Instead of improving your wait times by … oh … improving your wait times! … the government and our airports have now decided it’s a grand idea to create a second, shorter line and charge you money to get in it.

It’s a human toll road.

Correct me if I’m wrong here, but couldn’t we just have eight lines total and improve everyone’s wait time? Instead of having four lines for most of the people, and four more very empty lines for a very small sect of people?

Oh, but wait. You don’t just pay nearly $100 for a shorter line. “There are other benefits,” the female Blood Pirate chimed in. She pointed a manicured nail at the banner.

Let’s go through these.

The right to keep my belt on

So, I retain the right to accessorize! If I beep going through the machine, however, that belt must come off and go in the tray. So I can have a belt, but it needs to be made from twine and can have no buckle? I don’t accessorize with twine. Zero benefit here. I explained this. We moved on.

The right to keep my shoes on

Also known as “The Right to Not Feel Like a Pajama-Clad Five-Year-Old in the Line,” I generally enjoy this perk. However, this one’s a bit misleading too. This trip, for example, the metal toes inside my cowboy boots beeped. It resulted in me hopping around on one foot, trying to take a cowboy boot off of the other … while remaining upright. It’s easier to cure Ebola.

I did not fall over (win!), but I did manage to hold up the TSA PreCheck line long enough to make it roughly the same length as the normal line.

I broke TSA PreCheck! I’m the Kim Kardashian of TSA PreCheck! (win!)

This one has too much potential for disaster to be a true perk. Moving along again.

My laptop can stay inside of my bag

This final “benefit” is just hilarious. Remember when we all had to turn off our cellphones before the plane took off? And now we don’t? That’s because it never really mattered in the first place. The same thing is happening here! You can leave your laptop in the bag because taking it out is not necessary. Pay $85 for this? I don’t think so, Polo Shirt Polly.

In conclusion, here’s what I gleaned from my visit with the fine folks at the PreCheck Pop-Up Shop :

— If you are a reasonably decent human … ya know, not trying to make a bomb out of Colgate toothpaste, your shoe and a Starbuck’s Pumpkin Spice Latte … then YOU have to pay the government $85 for the right to leave your twine belt on.

If paying $85 for a shorter line for five years still sounds like a deal to you, I’m gonna do some math to clear it up. (Note – all math done on Buddha Drinks Fanta is done by me. Assume mistakes.)

Some Math:

In 2013, an estimated 27 million people traveled through LGA alone. Holy shit. Amazeballs.

Now, given that each person would only purchase TSA PreCheck one time … and since out of those 27 million, there are a LOT of repeats … let’s just say we estimate maybe 10-percent of that total might be interested in purchasing PreCheck.

(Plus, this reasoning is fun. It let’s us assume super irrationally that the remaining 90% of travelers are sneaky, lunatic, terrorist bastards, who are really good at fashioning pipe bombs from Pumpkin Spice Lattes.)

Ok:

2,700,000 peeps x $85 a person = $229,500,000

Our government is pulling in a cool quarter billion if my math is correct (My math is not correct … but still!)

Here’s what would make a cat laugh …

If TSA PreCheck is a roaring success and 80% of people not only qualified, but also rushed to sign up, then the TSA PreCheck line would be a much, much longer line than the original, normal line.

If TSA PreCheck succeeds, it will become a giant failure. Yet, the more it fails, the richer the government gets! Shucks, terrorists! Thanks for the cash flow.

And this concludes your friendly TSA PSA for the Day. You’re welcome, America

Buddha Drinks Fanta drops microphone and goes back to daydreaming about Burma.